This may not be the best day to write a semi-serious journal regarding that it's April Fools, but I want to get out of the way that none of this is really a joke.
Now that I got that out of the way, I wanted to address something. I guess I wanted to apologize. So I will.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I haven't been very active at all as of late. Whether it be just in general with art or in RP groups or whatever you may.
I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend lately either.
I guess I just want to cut to the chase.
I don't want to blame everything on my emotions or whatever, but lately my depression has gotten very out of hand. I'm still committing acts of self harm (however I'm eight days clean as of right now, and keeping track) and generally isolating myself as far as talking to people on skype. I'm also just deleting my messages, never really going through them because for some reason, I see certain names of friends I haven't spoken to in a while that I used to talk to on a daily regular basis.
I feel...guilty I guess. Sad. Afraid they don't even care for me anymore.
I know it's a selfish thought process, but I'm trying my best not to let it get the best of me. Yet it is. And I'm sorry.
I want to say I'm sorry for not producing as much art as I should. I'm not an active mod in a lot of the groups I promised to be a better mod in when everything kind of started to go downhill for me. I'm just scared of fucking up a lot I guess.
I'm practically fucking paranoid that the only character I care about anymore is Tel, and even sometimes he doesn't satisfy.
I feel like I'm slowly loosing myself and everything that I used to be.
Happy. Creative. Caring. Active. A good friend. Smart.
And things at home haven't exactly been the greatest.
As far as getting proper depression medication to help me cope with these thoughts of self harm and even suicide, my parents are almost completely against it. They wish to continue to diluting themselves into thinking that nothing is wrong with me and they can help me no matter what by just being mommy and daddy.
Thank god they are at least letting me get a consolation with a doctor to see if I really need medication.
I guess to wrap this all up, I'm apologizing to my active watchers and my friends. Ex-friends or acquaintances, whatever you may call our relationship now.
I just...
I don't know what else I can do other than reaching out for help.
I don't know if I should quit dA because just being on here makes me upset. I remember the good times I used to have with my friends before and just...I feel so nauseous.
I guess thank you if you read this all. I really don't know what else to say, so I'll end it here.